


And We're Dancing Alone

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Closeted Character, Confessions, Dancing, Dating, Explicit Language, F/M, Feels, Gay, Happy Ending, Jealousy, Kissing, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Modern Era, Pining, Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-07 02:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4246710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The first time Merlin met Gwen’s boyfriend, he hated him."</p><p>As he gets to know Arthur better, Merlin realizes that he is not so bad. They start attending ballroom dancing classes together and their friendship grows into something more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Arthur is a Blond Prat

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

The first time Merlin met Gwen’s boyfriend, he hated him. Arthur was arrogant and stuck up. Dressed in the most posh outfit imaginable, he offered to pay for everyone's lunch as if no one could pay for their own. Yes, it was made up to look like a nice gesture, but Merlin saw the pompous attitude paired with it - or he thought he did. Arthur was a prat, Merlin decided. And he was often right with first impressions.

He may have been a little harsh; Gwen didn’t have much luck with boyfriends, and as Gwen’s best friend, Merlin took it upon himself to be extra careful for her. She trusted too easily. The past year had been particularly hard on her. First she had to suffer through the awful emotionally abusive Valiant, and after that Gwaine had broken her heart when he left her for his current boyfriend, Percy. They were still friends with Gwaine, and Valiant was a rare case, but these relationships were really hard on Gwen. Plus, he had his own reservations about love.

Living vicariously through Gwen was a phrase Merlin didn’t want to use, but that was definitely what Merlin did. Jaded by his past, Merlin only slept with people he knew would stick around only for the night. Gwen’s relationships, as hard as they often were, were the closest Merlin would allow himself to get to the real thing. Not after Will. Instead, Merlin made sure to keep his best friend from harm. She was the one who was concerned with finding happiness before she was 30, so Merlin took it upon himself to help her do so.

That was what she always said to him, "I need to be married, or at least in a long term relationship, by the time I am 30." Merlin really didn’t understand how she could put a time limit on something like that. He went through life making decisions on a whim and attempted to be as fluid as possible. Especially when it came to his sexuality.

Merlin never did like labels or boxes, so instead Merlin defined himself as "I don’t give a shit" when it came to his sexual preference. He didn’t force any relationships and found that, for the most part, he was uninterested in being tied down anyway. He enjoyed the company of many, but refused to get attached. He had only had two serious relationships in the past. The first was Freya in middle school; it was the most cliche middle school relationship ever written, including all the drama. Then, there was Will. Will was Merlin’s ex-fiance of five years. The break up, though it was now over a year ago, had really done a number on Merlin. He had locked himself in Gwen’s bathroom for two whole days, crying. She finally had to resort to calling Hunith in order to get Merlin to come out to eat something. So now it was all about not getting attached and being free from heartbreak. Yet despite all that, Merlin would sometimes feel a longing for something like what Gwen had always talked about - but he would bury those unwelcomed thoughts deep when they started to pop up.

"Arthur invited us out tonight." Gwen was laying on Merlin’s futon holding his black cat, Kilgharrah. "He said he wants you to come."

"Why me?" Merlin queried, doing a poor job of hiding his disgust.

Gwen rolled to her side to face Merlin who was playing Zelda, using all his power to ignore the request he knew was iminent. She poked his back with her long, dark finger, making him jump. "Come on Merlin, he really wants you to like him! He said that since you are my best friend, he should at least get to know you better."

"I don't want to go out."

Gwen pushed the cat off of her and moved to sit on the floor next to Merlin, cross-legged. "I really like him, Merlin. Can you just try to get along with him?"

"He doesn't seem like someone I would get along with," Merlin whined, knowing he was close to giving into her plea.

Gwen’s voice was soft, "Please, Merlin. We are going to go dancing. You'd have a lot of fun. Gwaine and Percival found a nice club, and Leon said he was bringing a classmate of his, so there will be a whole group of us. You just need to pretend like you don't hate Arthur for one night. That's all I'm asking."

Merlin put down his controller to face Gwen. Looking at his friend's pout, with her dark curls framing her face and her brown puppy-dog eyes, Merlin knew he was doomed. "Fine. I'll go." He took her hand in both of his. "But I'm going for you. Not him."

"That's good enough for me," Gwen squealed after planting a messy kiss on his cheek.

Wiping his face, Merlin added, "Don't get too excited. I just agreed to go; I didn’t say I'd be happy about it."

Gwen pinched his cheek, making a sound that was something between a purr and a coo. "Oh, Merlin. You are always such a treat."

"Get off me," Merlin yelped as his best friend tried to pull him in for another kiss. "Okay! I'll be nice to him! Just please stop kissing me!"

"Deal." Gwen smiled victoriously as she stood to leave. "I'll tell him you are ecstatic about it. You can’t contain yourself. You are so elated to see him that you -"

"Don't you think it is a bad idea to be lying this early on in the relationship?" Merlin interjected, trying not to smile at her taunts.

Gwen gathered up her purse and coat, winking at Merlin. "Love you, dear. See you later. I'll pick you up at eight."

"See you," Merlin muttered after the door closed behind Gwen. His stomach turned slightly at the thought of seeing that prat again tonight, but he needed to give him a chance, for Gwen.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was quarter after eight when Gwen picked him up. Arthur was in the front seat, placing Merlin in the back, isolated from conversation. The whole car ride Arthur talked about football while Gwen pretended to be interested. Merlin elected to scowl ahead most of the trip, watching the road with frustration building. Once at the dance club, Merlin realized he had suffered the worst of the night; he would not be obligated to spend any more time with Arthur. On the ride home, Merlin had planned to be significantly less sober, so he didn’t intend to remember or care about who was talking to whom in the car.

Inside, Merlin quickly found the rest of their friends. Gwaine and Percy were already dancing (sweating, pressed all over each other); Leon was with a nice looking, dark featured man (really nice looking); and Elyan was talking to some blonde girl at the bar (he was striking out, from what Merlin could gather). Merlin decided to stick with Leon tonight. Leon would be good company; plus, the friend he had brought looked very handsome. He seemed to be some form of wonderful swirled with a touch of noble - like a knight.

"Who's your friend, Leon?" Merlin asked cheerfully, walking up to them with a bit of a skip. When Merlin found something he liked, he had no trouble showing his intent to claim it.

"Hey, Merlin." The taller man hugged Merlin tightly before pulling away and nodding to his friend. "This is Lancelot; he's in my econ class."

"Lance," the man corrected, holding out his hand for Merlin to take.

It was a nice, strong handshake that brought a warm feeling to Merlin’s cheeks. "Nice to meet you." Leon gave Merlin a disapproving look. Maybe he was being too obvious; he was not a subtle flirter. Or a subtle anything, for that matter. "Leon," Merlin piped quickly, to evaporate any awkwardness he may have caused, "Help me get some drinks at the bar?"

The pair walked away just in time for Gwen and Arthur to join Lancelot The Beautiful.

"He's straight," Leon stated flatly as soon as they were out of earshot.

"God damn it. That's devastating."

"Yeah it is." Leon smiled. But Leon didn’t really understand; he was also very unfortunately straight and girls really liked him. All the tall, pretty ones were straight.

After getting some drinks for everyone - Leon had insisted on bringing one for Arthur, too - they made their way back to the group. By now, the rest had gotten a table and were all gathered around, waiting for Merlin and Leon.

Gwen was surprisingly okay with Gwaine and Percival sticking around with the group. She said it was mostly about the sex with Gwaine, and though it hurt that he left her, she knew deep down it wasn’t the right relationship for her. She had moved on pretty quickly though, something Merlin was never good at. She and Arthur had gotten together a few months after Gwaine had ended things with her. A solid month of being with Arthur, and Gwen seemed to have forgotten all about ever being with Gwaine. Arthur seemed oddly okay with the situation, too, like nothing could rattle him. The confident, stuck-up -

"We should dance!" Arthur suggested enthusiastically to his girlfriend.

Gwen moaned, as she adjusted her tight, black sequined top. She never really was much of a dancer; Merlin wondered why she had even agreed to come. "I don’t really want to right now, Arthur. Maybe later, but you did say you wouldn't force me."

Arthur shook his head. His blond hair fell slightly out of place, making him a little less perfect, which for some reason captured Merlin’s attention. "I know, I just thought I'd ask." He actually looked disappointed and again, Merlin found it odd that he had noticed, and wondered why he even cared.

"We've been out there too long and might collapse if we go out again. Otherwise we would totally be down to go with you," Percival said, speaking for himself and Gwaine. Both did look truly tired out, and quite adorable, leaning against each other for support and sharing a cocktail.

"Merlin loves dancing. He used to do ballet." Fucking Gwen. She always had to open her big mouth.

"I don’t really -"

"Come on, Merlin. It will be fun." Arthur smiled. Was this the first time Merlin had seen him smile? No, he had smiled before, but never directly at Merlin - not like that. The smile was something like stunning. But not stunning. Arthur wasn’t stunning.

Merlin looked around at all his friends, who were betraying him deeply at the moment. Why did Gwen have to say anything? Did she really think dancing with Arthur was going to change his opinion of her boyfriend? Leon nudged Merlin in Arthur’s direction, pushing him off the stool he was sitting on, making him stumble a bit. "Go on, Merlin. We all know you want to." Merlin caught himself and found an expectant Arthur looking back at him - much closer now that they were both standing. Arthur held out his hand, which was an odd gesture, Merlin noted. Very odd.

Merlin looked at Gwen, whose eyes were saying, 'You better get out there and dance with my boyfriend because I don't want to and you need to get along with him anyway.' Gwen had very vocal eyes. Looking from Gwen back to Arthur’s outstretched arm, Merlin sighed.

"Fine. I only did ballet for four years, though. Just wanted to make that clear."

"I do ballroom dancing every Wednesday evening," Arthur responded simply with a shrug. "Come on." He motioned again for Merlin to take his hand. When Merlin didn’t take it, Arthur just scoffed and grabbed his arm forcefully, looping his own with Merlin's in a way that was far too comfortable.

Out on the dance floor, Merlin found he could not move. Suddenly he was incredibly nervous. He had never been nervous about dancing before. What was so different about Arthur? Did he really do ballroom dancing, or was that just a joke? Why was he looking at Merlin like that? Merlin stood there like an idiot while Arthur started to dance to the beat around him. He had good rhythm, good coordination, and a nice... Hm, Merlin needed to look anywhere but at Arthur, because he soon found himself shamelessly checking out his best friend's gorgeous boyfriend. But oh god, how could he not?

The lights around them lit up his face in quick flashes. Each time Merlin noticed a different feature of his. First it was his eyes: he had never noticed how blue they were. Then it was the nose: so straight and linear down the middle of his face. His chin was square and transitioned into a jawline of steel. But what Merlin noticed last was Arthur's lips. Not only did they look soft and pink, but they were stretched over his slightly crooked, white teeth into the most breathtaking smile.

"I thought you could dance?" Arthur teased, moving uncomfortably close to Merlin. Mind racing and thoughts blurring, Merlin actually moved in closer to Arthur with an unexpected flutter in his stomach. The music was fast, not usually what Merlin danced to, but he typically could at least move. 'Move!' he told himself, staring back at Arthur in a bit of a daze.

"I can dance," Merlin snapped, remembering to breath. "Better than you, even. I could dance circles around you any day. I am a great dancer. This just isn't really music I would dance to. I took a hip hop class once, but I wasn't very good at it. I also took jazz; now that was interesting because -"

"Merlin. Shut up, and dance with me."

As much as Merlin wanted to say no - maybe to prove a point to himself, or maybe to prove something to Arthur - Merlin, instead, said, "Alright," and did so.

Though Merlin hated to admit it, even to himself, he did in fact have a good time. A really good time. Gwen had picked a nice guy this time around. He was happy for her; for once she had actually found a genuine man. And yes, he was easy on the eyes. He was a very good fit for Gwen. But why did that realization also disappoint Merlin? Thoughts for another time, he concluded. Now, he just wanted to enjoy himself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

When they joined the group again, Gwen was feverishly talking to Lance about Mad Men and Gwaine and Percival were nearly passed out against the wall. They had moved to a quieter part of the bar and had cramped themselves into a booth. Elyan had disappeared with the girl he had been chatting up at the bar earlier. Leon stood to allow Arthur to sit next to Gwen, but instead Arthur squeezed himself next to Merlin. Leon sat down again, shooting looks at Merlin that he tried to avoid. Merlin couldn’t control where Arthur sat. So what?

"You’re pretty good, you know?" Merlin wondered why this compliment from Arthur made his stomach turn in circles.

"I'm alright. I'm surprised by you, though. Ballroom dancing? Really? I wouldn't have guessed. Especially after those moves."

Arthur let out a chuckle that went up near the end. It was different than his deep, posh speaking voice, but it still somehow fit Arthur. Merlin ignored the way it made his heart race and cheeks burn. "My mother used to dance with me. After she died, I never gave it up." For a moment his face was somber with the memory, but he didn’t let that show for long. "My father tried to get me more into sports to get me out of dancing, but I just learned to do both." That explained his magnificent body. Always active. Merlin shut his eyes. He really needed to think about something other than Arthur dancing.

"You like football, then?"

"You should come."

Merlin’s eyes shot open, he looked at Arthur incredulously. "Erm... to?"

"Dance with me on Wednesday nights. I tried to take Gwen last week and she fell all over me, complaining the whole time. I'm in need of a new partner since my old partner, Elena, moved to Australia." Arthur seemed like he was arranging a business deal.

Merlin glanced to his best friend for some help, but she was far too engaged in her conversation with Lance. It was just a casual invitation, nothing more. But it felt like more. Arthur was still intently watching Merlin when he turned back around. "Wednesdays?" Merlin said slowly.

"I know you don't like me much, so don't feel like you have to say yes for Gwen's sake. I was just wondering if you were interested."

"I'm interested," Merlin said far too quickly, while thinking there may have been another meaning behind his own words. "I mean... Yeah. I could try it out."

"Good! It's technically a beginners social dance class, but the group has been together for quite some time. We haven't had many new members in a while and we enjoy dancing together. You'll fit right in though; everyone will love you." The smile Merlin received from Arthur seemed so approachable, not at all like Merlin would have expected Arthur’s smiles to be.

A part of Merlin woke up in that moment and he felt something close to the feeling he got when Will asked Merlin to date him, all jittery and joyful. Merlin jerked his gaze elsewhere. "Yeah," he mumbled. He thought maybe he was sad about Will - and he very much was - but there was something special about the look he and Arthur had just shared. Something else was exchanged in that moment. Like a secret, or a discovery, and Merlin was fairly certain that it wasn't just his imagination. "Next Wednesday?" Merlin said, instead of continuing his train of thought.

"Arthur! Lance watches Mad Men! When are you going to start watching?" Gwen was probably on her way to Very Drunk, or at least Very Tipsy.

Without taking his eyes off Merlin, Arthur said, "Probably never." Then to Merlin he added, "Next Wednesday."

"I'll be there."

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Lance and Leon left, Merlin realized how foolish he had been. He was left alone with Percival and Gwaine and Arthur and Gwen. Being the fifth wheel never felt so lonely. Gwen was really handsy when she drank, so after a few more cocktails, she was all over Arthur. The two of them were worse with their PDA than even Gwaine and Percival, and that was saying a lot. Merlin reminded himself that they were a new couple and new couples were like that most of the time. But he knew his annoyance with the situation went slightly deeper than just annoyance with a friend in a new relationship. He had been foolish to allow Arthur’s gesture of friendship mean anything more than what it was.

The drive home wasn’t nearly as bad; Arthur made a point to talk to both Merlin and Gwen. Though most of the exchange was jokes about how Gwen was too drunk, it was nice to be acknowledged and included, even if it was Arthur just being polite to the only other sober person in the car. Merlin reminded himself that Arthur was his best friend’s most likely straight boyfriend - whatever fleeting emotion he had experienced at the club after dancing with him was not something to think upon more. So he pushed it into the back of his mind. Way back, where he kept other useless information like how to spell 'chrysanthemum'.

Merlin was dropped off at 1:45 AM. He staggered up to his flat, trying to keep himself thinking about anything but Arthur. He failed miserably. Inside, Kilgharrah meowed profusely till she was fed, then Merlin went about mindlessly getting ready for bed.

Maybe it was a crush; it wasn't like Merlin hadn’t formed crushes in the past. And it wasn’t the first time he had noticed someone that Gwen was with. When Merlin had first met Gwaine, he had to stop himself from actually jumping onto the other man and making out with him right there in the park with Gwen watching. Gwaine, of course, was no help; that man would flirt with a lamppost if he could. No, normally Merlin could contain himself and would be over it soon. This was just temporary, whatever it was.

At 2:30 his phone rang. “Merlin?” It was Gwen.

“Hey, Gwen. You feeling okay?” Merlin switched on his lamp next to the TV and sat on the futon.

“Merlin…” Gwen whined. “Arthur just left. I need to talk to you.”

Merlin shifted himself on the cushion, preparing for the worst. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. I think I like someone that isn’t Arthur.” She was still clearly drunk and Merlin wasn’t sure he could give her proper friend advice at the moment, either.

“Gwen,” Merlin started softly. “Should we talk about this tomorrow?”

A puff of air burst from Gwen’s mouth, so loud Merlin thought he could feel it through the phone. “Fine. If you insist. Love you, babe. Bye.”

She hung up before Merlin could respond. After taking a moment to process that, Merlin flipped open his laptop. Realizing he had two new notifications on Facebook, Merlin went to his home page. One was a friend request from Arthur Pendragon, and the other was a message from the same man giving him details about the dance studio. His cursor hovered over the “accept” button for a long moment before Merlin finally clicked it. Then he contrived a response to the message. He hoped that was as platonic as he wanted it to sound. He decided to recite it out loud to Kilgharrah for advice, “Thanks, Arthur. I had a good time tonight. I definitely don’t hate you. You are very good for Gwen. See you Wednesday.” The cat purred and rubbed her head against his knee in approval. He hit send and closed his laptop.

Crawling into bed, Merlin decided he didn’t really like Arthur that much. Even if he did, it was a momentary lapse of judgement. He couldn’t know what Gwen would tell him tomorrow, but thinking too much about it now would not ease his worries. Despite knowing all this, he lay awake for another 30 minutes staring at the ceiling.


	2. In Which They Learn to Dance

“I honestly don’t remember.” Gwen was sitting across from Merlin at his kitchen table with a coffee mug clutched between her hands. “Seriously. I remember calling you, but I have no idea who I was talking about.”

“No idea?” Merlin warned. “Come on Gwen, before Lance left you were all over him.” Merlin was digging himself a hole he would not be able to easily climb out of. He had to be careful.

Gwen looked down at her mug guiltily. “Merlin, I do really like Arthur. I don’t want to mess this up. I was drunk last night. I’d really like to forget it.” She looked back at Merlin, a slight wetness in her eyes. “I feel bad enough about it already.”

“Sorry,” Merlin whispered. “Yeah, it’s forgotten. What are we talking about?”

Gwen chuckled. “Thanks Merlin, you’re a good friend.” And that was it. Merlin was her friend, first and foremost. Gwen deserved to be happy and Merlin had to make sure that she was, no matter what. Merlin developed stupid crushes far too often for him to really think too long on this whole "Arthur thing". He also knew that Will still lingered in the back of his mind, more prominently than Merlin liked to admit. It was best to drop the whole thing and forget about Arthur. Merlin would be over it before he knew it; that’s what always happened. He would even easily forget about his feelings for people that he was allowed to be interested in. That's how Merlin kept from being hurt: he never let things develop. Nothing lasted long with Merlin. Soon this would end too.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

The dance studio was nothing like the rundown community ballet studio Merlin was used to. He hadn’t actually been in a dance studio in years; it was an odd feeling walking into one again after so long. There was a red-carpeted staircase leading up to a single, bright white door at the top. When he walked through the door, Merlin noticed that the place was much fancier than he had imagined from just looking at the outside. Mirrors lined the four walls. There were paintings above the mirrors just under the tall ceilings that had soft yellow lights hanging down from above. The smooth hardwood floor reflected the dancers and lights in a way that made Merlin dizzy with awe.

The classes must cost a fortune. Just by looking at the others in the room, Merlin knew he was very out of place. That’s when Merlin realized he wouldn’t be able to afford to dance here. He knew Arthur was well off, but this place was worthy of royalty.

Eyes wide, surveying the room, Merlin stood like a statue in the doorway. Arthur approached him slowly, tapping his shoulder to get his attention. Merlin was still gaping at his surroundings. “This is really nice…” Merlin said, not looking at Arthur.

“Yeah, I suppose it is. I don’t come here for that though. Gaius is a good teacher; I couldn’t imagine dancing without him.” Merlin snapped out of his trance and met Arthur’s eyes. Looking at him, Merlin could tell why Gwen liked him so much. All his attention was focused on Merlin, while Merlin’s attention jumped around from him to the dancers to the lights to the paintings and back to Arthur. Arthur wasn’t only beautiful; he cared deeply about other people. Finally, the time when he had paid for lunch on their first meeting made sense. Arthur wasn’t trying to show off his money, he just had money and wanted to use it to be kind. As if proving Merlin’s theory, Arthur added, “By the way, don’t worry about the tuition. It’s covered.”

“But…” Merlin began, but he knew he couldn’t pay and that he didn’t want to leave either. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I asked you to be my partner. I couldn’t imagine making you pay for this while doing me a favor. Come on.” Arthur grabbed Merlin’s wrist and pulled him towards a group of people in the middle of the room who were about their age. Some of the older folks were gathered on the other side of the room, chattering quietly to themselves. “I’d like you to meet some of my friends.” Arthur started introductions, but Merlin’s mind was steadfast on Arthur’s hand still wrapped around his wrist. Straight guys could be the actual worst thing placed on this planet. They had no idea what they did to Merlin.

“Nice to meet you.” There was a tall pale woman offering her hand to Merlin. Repeating the names in his head that he had just heard, Merlin concluded that this was Morgana. “I’m Arthur’s sister, but he will never admit to that.” She seemed like she was joking, but her face stayed serious. Merlin wasn’t sure how he felt about her. She was a bit frightening.

The lessons started with the very old instructor snapping his fingers to gain the attention of the room. Merlin couldn’t believe that this man had ever danced a day in his life. He had long white hair that fell to his shoulders, a stark contrast to his black jumper. Once the music began, the elderly man came to life. Doing all he could to focus on the moves, Merlin had forgotten who he was dancing with. Which was a good thing because if Merlin stopped paying attention to his feet, his brain was immediately aware of the hand on the small of his back.

"Focus on me," Arthur reminded him gently. "You keep looking at your feet." Merlin had only really done ballet dancing, he was used to paying close attention to posture and pose, but he had also taken beginning classes for Jazz and Ballroom, so he knew better. However, he was out of practice, but worse was that he was scared of looking at Arthur so intently.

Merlin locked onto Arthur’s eyes, and suddenly everything clicked. They fell into a smooth rhythm, led by Arthur’s unwavering confidence. Soon Merlin found his pace and melted into Arthur’s steps, fusing with his partner in their dance. Dancing had never come so naturally.

After the lesson, Arthur came over to Merlin who was massaging his feet viciously. “I haven’t done this in a while,” Merlin clarified, a little embarrassed.

Arthur knelt in front of him. “Don’t rub so hard.” He twitched and for a moment Merlin thought Arthur was going to grab his feet and demonstrate. “Um, light circles.” His eyes met Merlin’s quickly and he actually looked uncomfortable.

Merlin planted his feet back on the ground and started rifling through his bag, looking for absolutely nothing in particular; he just needed to keep his hands busy. “So, do I make the cut?” Merlin asked cheekily.

“Oh yes, you are very talented, Merlin.” Arthur stood, stretching out his arms, landing them on his head. The image from where Merlin was sitting made Arthur look far too magnificent. “I hope you’ll return next week.”

Merlin found hand sanitizer in his bag, and acted as if that was what he had been searching for. “Yup. Sounds good, Arthur.”

Dropping his arms to his side, Arthur waited for Merlin to look up again. “What about me? Do I make the cut? For Gwen. Am I good enough?”

Looking up again at Arthur, Merlin pondered that for a moment. It was something he had been wondering too for the past few days, but for very different reasons. Arthur was a great boyfriend for Gwen, Merlin had no doubt about that, but a selfish part of him didn’t want to give his blessing. “You do,” Merlin said, with all his strength. “You are more than good enough. She is really lucky to have you.”

“Hm,” Arthur acknowledged. “Thanks. I almost believe you.” But something in his eyes told Merlin that he did. That was good. That was what Merlin wanted. If Arthur believed that Merlin thought he and Gwen were good together, then Merlin could stop all this foolish wondering. There was nothing else for Merlin to consider. Then Arthur's features turned genuine. “Thanks, Merlin," he said so quietly Merlin wasn’t sure if he heard correctly.

“Brother, dear!” Morgana called from across the room, breaking the gaze the two men had been captured in. “Daddy said we have to be there by 10. Come on!” She was a very demanding person, but Arthur seemed unfazed by her.

“Coming, Morgana. Thanks again, Merlin. I’ll see you around.” Before rushing off to his sister, Arthur clapped a hand to Merlin’s back - a strictly platonic gesture that straight men used to torture not-so-straight men. With a deep sigh, Merlin packed up the rest of his things, thanked the instructor, and took the elevator down to the bottom floor. Even after he was in his car, he still could feel the warmth of Arthur’s hand on his back.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Two weeks passed. Two more agonizingly perfect rehearsals with Arthur. It was becoming a bit of a habit to dance with him on Wednesdays. Merlin had come to terms with the situation and he resolved to be happy with it. He really was okay with just being Arthur’s friend. He could tell Arthur was happy all the time, and so was Gwen. Though Merlin saw them individually more often than he did together, he believed they really were good for each other.

One day they all decided to get lunch together. Gwen had vocalized that she was glad "her boys" were getting along finally and she wanted to enjoy both of them together. Merlin happily complied, giving in once again to his best friend's requests. Arthur had picked out a nice restaurant, but Merlin had insisted they go to a park for a picnic. Gwen, being Gwen, loved the idea of a home cooked meal out in nature. So Arthur begrudgingly agreed, cancelling his reservations.

It was actually a relatively nice day. The sun peered over the clouds long enough for a decent afternoon out. Merlin and Gwen loved the outdoors, just sitting and watching clouds. Arthur however, didn't seem to know what to do with himself. Fidgeting about constantly, he seemed uncomfortable being outdoors and not playing a sport.

While sitting on the grass, Merlin prepared the sandwiches and coleslaw he had made while Gwen poured the lemonade. Arthur tried to make the blanket look nice, but apparently wasn’t satisfied because he kept adjusting it. "Just leave it," Gwen finally snapped at him, turning so quickly she nearly spilled the pitcher in her hand.

"I just want it to look nice. I have nothing else to do." Both were silent for a moment, and then Gwen turned to Merlin. And rolled her eyes. Merlin tried to act as if he hadn't seen her; he felt incredibly uncomfortable all of the sudden. Arthur just went back to messing with the blanket in silence, occasionally looking at either Merlin or Gwen before focusing again on his pointless task.

Once the picnic was set up and everyone had their food, Gwen seemed a bit more relaxed. So did Arthur. Soon they were cuddling, the recent tension that had been between them apparently forgotten. Then they were all over each other, like they had been at the club a few weeks ago. This time, however, Merlin was much more content to be a third wheel. He was. Three weeks was plenty of time to get over a meaningless crush. It didn’t bother him at all how Arthur would cup her face gingerly before bringing her in for a kiss, smiling quickly before their lips touched. Merlin didn’t mind that Gwen would wrap her arms around Arthur’s shoulders and kiss his ear before whispering something that made him laugh. Merlin didn’t pay any mind to this because it didn't bother him.

It didn’t.

A few hours passed, or at least that's what it felt like, and they began packing up the food to go home. Merlin was kneeling by the bag, ignoring the giggling behind him. "Merlin, come here." It was Arthur, which somehow made the request more irritating.

"I'm just packing up, give me a minute." Merlin defiantly stayed where he was, avoiding looking even slightly interested in joining.

He felt a hand on his shoulder before Arthur spoke. "Hey," he said quietly. "You okay? You've been pretty quiet all day."

Not wanting Arthur to guess why that had been the case, Merlin spun around to face him. With a forced smiled, Merlin exclaimed, "I'm great! Just getting this food put away. I'll be right there."

Arthur didn’t seem satisfied. With his hand still resting on Merlin, burning a hole in his skin, Arthur nodded and frowned regretfully. "All right, Merlin. If you say so."

After that, Gwen and Arthur seemed much more quiet. There was a bit of muttering between them, but Merlin focused on the task at hand. When Merlin finished loading up the picnic items, he noticed they weren't even touching each other anymore. Odd.

Arthur had driven separately, so Merlin and Gwen were alone on the drive back to Merlin’s flat. "Did you think Arthur was being annoying today?" Gwen blurted out, almost immediately after the door closed.

"Erm," Merlin stalled. "No?"

Gwen sighed as she put on her seatbelt. "He always has to have things perfect; he can never just let it be. Like the blanket. God, just leave it alone, you know?"

"He, erm..." Merlin wasn’t sure where this was coming from. Only 15 minutes ago, she was hanging off of him shamelessly. "He's like that with dancing too, he's a bit of a perfectionist, but I don't think you should let that bother you. It's just one of his quirks. He -"

"Quirks?" Gwen said bitterly. "He needs to relax!"

"He can relax," Merlin defended. "He isn't really that uptight, he just knows how he likes things. Sometimes he will correct me in dancing with a bit of an attitude, but I can tell he doesn't mean anything by it. He just has a certain way of going about things."

Gwen scowled at Merlin. "I guess. I thought you didn't like him that much, Merlin."

"I don't. I mean, I do like him. He just... he takes some getting used to. But he isn't that bad. He's not always like that, he can be pretty charming when he wants to be." Why couldn’t he just shut up? Merlin hoped Gwen would start driving soon because he couldn't look at her anymore; he certainly couldn’t handle that confused look on his friend's face.

"Okay," she said, after a moment. "I still can't stand the way he teases me." This surprised Merlin. Gwen usually put up with Merlin's sarcasm and banter. She understood Merlin well enough, but she was a bit of a sensitive soul and often took what others said to heart. Though Arthur’s teasing was unique, it wasn't mean at all, like Gwen made it sound, it was endearing in a way. Gwen should have been able to see that.

The first time Merlin noticed this about Arthur was after their second rehearsal together. Arthur had said Merlin was an idiot because he had tripped over his own shoelaces, falling into Arthur’s arms. Merlin jumped up and told him he was a giant blond prat. Arthur immediately erupted in laughter, and they had gotten coffee afterwards. But the coffee was irrelevant...

That's when Merlin realized that Arthur's sense of humor was nothing like Gwen's. It wasn't something she had dealt with well while dating Gwaine either. Valiant had been so serious, which was something Gwen had liked about him. She needed more delicate teasing, which Arthur wasn’t quite as graceful at as he was with dancing.

"He just likes to tease the people he cares about. He doesn't show his real emotions well, so he will joke about how he feels." It was hard to explain Arthur, but Merlin was surprised he even had to explain to Gwen why her boyfriend was so great. “Come on, you know how he is.”

“Apparently not." Gwen furrowed her brow, shooting daggers at Merlin. "He should learn to talk about his feelings like an adult, not be rude to people," she said finally, resting her head on the steering wheel.

Merlin felt oddly guilty that he had developed such an understanding of Arthur while Gwen was at such a loss with him. “Hm, well I still think you are overreacting about today.”

“Maybe,” Gwen breathed. “After he tried to talk to you while you were packing up, he came back over to me and asked if you were mad at him. Isn’t that a little insecure? He is always like that. He always needs reassurance that he is liked. I can’t really deal with that.”

Merlin hadn’t noticed Arthur’s insecurities before. He didn’t seem to act that way around Merlin. But even if he was as insecure as Gwen had described, all that did was pull at Merlin’s heart a little bit. It was sweet how much Arthur cared for others and wanted to make sure he had made them happy. "I think you guys just had an off day. Give it some time and you guys will be back to normal."

"Yeah," Gwen conceded quietly. "Back to normal." She started the car and they drove home in silence.


	3. In Which They Fall...

The following Tuesday, Gwen came over to watch movies with Merlin at his flat. She brought popcorn and chocolate and a sappy romantic comedy. This was their routine, but on this particular night, Gwen seemed very persistent about making sure it was just the two of them. When she arrived, Merlin could tell she wanted to talk about something. They made the popcorn and settled in. Before starting the movie, Merlin paused, and sure enough, Gwen broke her silence. “I need to tell you something.”

Merlin swiveled on his heels from his crouched position before the DVD player and looked at her with his best 'spit-it-out' look. “Go on.”

Gwen fiddled with her hands and looked at the corner of the room. “Um, I… Don’t judge me. I don’t even know if this is really as bad as I think it is, but you are my best friend, and I know you will be honest with me.”

“What is it, Gwen?” Merlin moved to sit next to her on the couch. He enveloped her shoulders in his arm. “What’s wrong?”

“I've been hanging out with Lance lately…”

“Okay…” Merlin said hesitantly, trying not to jump to any conclusions.

Gwen looked at him, horrified. “I haven’t done anything. We have just been hanging out as friends, but it’s always been just the two of us. I didn’t think anything about it at first - I figured it was nothing - but then Arthur asked me what I did yesterday and I realized I couldn’t tell him. I felt like I was cheating on him… I wasn’t, yet I still feel like I’m doing something dishonest.” Merlin watched his friend become increasingly distressed. Finally, she breathed out and waited for Merlin to speak.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re just hanging out with him.” Merlin regarded his friend, knowing how vulnerable Gwen was. “Why do you think you don't want to tell Arthur?”

Wiping away a tear, Gwen shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Hm,” Merlin scratched his chin. “I think you need to either find the answer to that question, or tell him.”

“I think I do know the answer, Merlin. That’s what I’m scared of. I don’t want to hurt him.” Her voice was trembling.

“Hurt who?” Merlin breathed, pulling his friend in closer for a comforting hug, knowing the answer, but also knowing Gwen needed to find the words herself.

Gwen let out a quick sob. “Arthur. I think I like Lancelot more, and I feel awful about that.”

Guilt stabbed Merlin’s heart before the hope even had time to hit him. He couldn’t believe himself. This was about Gwen, not Merlin. He nuzzled his nose in his friend's shoulder. “It’s okay, Gwen. You can’t control your feelings.” He wondered who he was really talking to. “Sometimes you just develop feelings for someone you know you shouldn’t. But I think that you need to be honest before someone gets hurt.”

“You’re right.” Gwen sat up and inhaled deeply. “It's going to be hard, but I know you are right.”

Merlin nodded, thinking that he should take his own advice. “Just give yourself some time to think about it.”

"I have thought about it, though."

It was quiet. "This is your decision, Gwen. You can't make the wrong choice as long as you are happy with it. I can't make that call for you." Merlin’s heart ached and he couldn’t pinpoint the cause.

She shook her head and smiled at Merlin. “You are such a good friend, you know that? I’m sorry I cried all over you.”

“It's the least I can do,” Merlin admitted regretfully.

“Thank you,” Gwen repeated, then shifted to face the telly. “You ready to watch Definitely Maybe?”

Merlin laughed and picked up the remote. “Of course.” He pressed play, but the movie only got about five minutes in before Merlin’s conscience won him over. “I can’t do this." He paused the DVD. "I’m sorry, Gwen. I told you to be honest, and I’m not being honest with you.”

“What?” Gwen queried cautiously.

Merlin let his head fall into his hands as he mumbled, “I have a crush on your boyfriend.”

There was a long moment before Gwen’s laughter filled the room. “Are you serious!?” Without looking up, Merlin nodded. “Really?” she asked again, sobering up. “Oh my god, Merlin, really? That’s so… oh my god, that’s adorable.” She placed a hand on Merlin’s shoulder.

“Adorable?” Merlin spat, head shooting up as he pulled away.

Gwen giggled. “Sorry, I don’t know. I’m kinda relieved though, I feel less guilty about my situation. Though, I suppose it doesn’t really change Arthur’s. He’s still going to get hurt.” Her head fell with her last sentence.

“Gwen, you can’t stay with him just because you feel bad.” Merlin scooted towards her on the couch. “You haven’t done anything wrong. Feelings happen without your permission. What would be wrong is for you to stay with him, knowing you don't want to be with him, and not telling him.”

She let her head fall onto Merlin’s shoulder, letting out a hum. “You’re right. I just don't want to hurt him."

"I know."

Gwen laughed out loud, surprising Merlin. "But I can’t take your advice to break up with him seriously.”

“Shut up.” Merlin chuckled, hugging his best friend tightly again.

“I hope he will be okay," Gwen added.

There was silence as her words sunk in. “Me too,” Merlin admitted, mostly to himself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Arthur wasn’t in class on Wednesday.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Friday night, Merlin got a Facebook message. “Is it weird to talk to you still?” Arthur asked.

“No,” Merlin replied. He knew that Wednesday morning Gwen had broken it off with him. She said he had seemed mostly fine. It was the ‘mostly’ that threw Merlin off. He had been thinking about Arthur a lot the whole week, despite his better judgement.

“I could really use a friend right now,” Arthur admitted.

Merlin stared at his keyboard for a moment, hoping the pause wasn’t too telling. He really wanted to agree to hang out with Arthur, but he knew it would also be a terrible idea. Though he wanted to text Gwen for advice, she wouldn’t have the best judgment on the situation. Plus, it didn't feel right asking her. Still feeling guilty about the whole thing, Gwen had held off even talking to Lance, not wanting to rush immediately into his arms - which was probably for the best. So that meant Merlin couldn’t rush to Arthur either. That was only fair. But at the same time…

Another message popped up. “Do you want to come over?”

Merlin really wanted to.

“Yes.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Arthur’s house was beautiful. Forgetting for a moment that Arthur owned his own home at the age of 28, the place was surprisingly fitting for Arthur. The cleanliness, the beautiful architecture, and the location - all of it screamed ‘Arthur’. The interior was just as stunning. Arthur greeted Merlin in a white t-shirt and grey sweats. He wore a dejected smile and Merlin’s heart broke a little at the sight. He hated to see Arthur look so sad, although deep down he was hoping Arthur would have been close to getting over the break-up - which was really just selfish.

Despite the despondent look in Arthur’s eyes and his uncharacteristically frumpy outfit, Merlin found himself more attracted to Arthur than he had ever been before. It must have been circumstantial, but Merlin felt peaceful being there with Arthur. He just looked so vulnerable and, well, human. Typically Arthur looked wonderful, danced perfect, acted humble and nice to everyone; not once had Merlin seen Arthur in a state anywhere close to the one Merlin found him in now. The reality hit Merlin hard when he realized he shouldn’t have come. It was too much. “Come in,” Arthur offered, stepping to the side. Merlin obeyed, forgetting his own advice.

It wasn’t long before Arthur had cracked open a bottle of wine and made some popcorn. They both sat - a little tipsy - on Arthur’s futon in his lounge with a movie playing in the background. Both had stopped watching the telly long ago. They had spent the night talking about nothing in particular. It was nice to just distract Arthur, to keep him smiling, and it was enough to keep Merlin plastered to this futon all night. He couldn’t imagine leaving that smile, not ever.

Eventually they ran out of conversation topics and Arthur’s cheerful demeanor began to fade with the long silence. Rushing to think of ways to distract Arthur, Merlin had stopped paying attention to what Arthur was doing, and therefore, he didn’t realize that Arthur’s head was resting on his shoulder. Merlin had two options: he could either leave now or stay and see what happened next.

“God, you are as skinny as they come. You are so uncomfortable.” But Arthur didn’t move.

“Sorry,” Merlin said, closing his eyes tight, wishing something would make his decision for him so he didn’t have to feel guilty about wanting this. They had been physically near each other many times before - dancing was a very intimate activity - but never had Merlin felt as close to Arthur as he did in that moment.

Arthur hummed a response then tilted his head to look at Merlin. “But I didn’t say you weren’t comforting. Thanks for being here, Merlin.”

Merlin nodded, not opening his eyes. What was going on? So many things rushed through his head that Merlin had forgotten all of the reasons to keep his distance from Arthur. As much as he wanted to run away from the situation, Merlin knew that the longer he stayed, the more impossible that would become. “Why did you invite me over?” Merlin finally blurted out, eyes flying open.

Arthur sat up slowly, noticing the earnest tone in Merlin’s voice. “Um, should I have not?”

“No.”

“No what?”

Merlin scooted away and faced Arthur. “Just answer the question.”

The movie had ended and now the credits rolled behind Arthur’s head. “I don’t know. I wanted to see you. For some reason, you were the only person I could think of that would be able to cheer me up right now...”

“And why is that?” Merlin spat, not realizing the anger that was beginning to build. But desperation had taken control. He needed to know.

Noticing how upset Merlin was, Arthur turned off the telly to focus all his attention on Merlin. “You are a good friend. We've spent some time together lately and I feel comfortable around you. I don’t know, Merlin. Did I do something wrong? I feel like I’m being attacked.”

Merlin shook his head, emotions bubbling under his skin, but he didn’t let them show. “No, you didn’t,” Merlin began, much more softly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s the problem.”

“I’m confused.” His concern made this so much harder than it had any right to be.

“Me too,” Merlin admitted.

Arthur moved closer to Merlin, one hand holding up his weight and the other cupping Merlin’s chin, forcing Merlin to look up at his stunning pale blue eyes. “I just wanted to see you, is that so bad?” It was. If Merlin had any intentions at all of keeping this meeting strictly platonic, they all went flying out the window in that moment. Merlin leaned in, and before he could really get into a position that would have made sense, their teeth clanked together and Arthur was already pulling away. “What was that!?”

Frozen, Merlin waited to wake up. What the hell was he thinking? “Erm...” Merlin sat up and covered his mouth. “That wasn’t right. Was it?”

“I… um, well. I didn’t expect… It was…” Arthur paled and sunk backwards.

Humiliated, Merlin stood up to leave. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

“Wait,” Arthur shouted, shocking both of them. “Hold on.”

He stood hesitantly, looking from Merlin’s hand to his lips. Merlin was frozen again, but this time hope swelled within him. He knew he had no right to wish for this, but all he could do was stand there with desire clawing at his chest. Arthur took another step closer and clasped Merlin’s hands, lacing their fingers together. Pulling Merlin in, Arthur gracefully captured Merlin’s lips in his own. It was perfection and bliss rolled into one hot sensation. A heat started in Merlin’s chest and spread throughout his body. When Arthur pulled away, Merlin followed with no satisfaction.

“That was unexpected,” Arthur said flatly.

Merlin furrowed his brow. “You kissed me.”

“Exactly.”

“So…” Merlin waited, heart pounding. He couldn’t read Arthur’s expression.

“So,” Arthur repeated, unsure. Merlin continued to wait as silence filled the room. “Well, a few things make more sense,” Arthur admitted to the TV.

“Is that so?” Merlin crossed his arms, trying to convince himself that he would be fine with rejection.

Arthur chuckled, looking back at Merlin, this time with much more fondness and surety. “Yeah. Apparently, I’ve liked you for some time.”

“Apparently?” Merlin asked incredulously, but Arthur’s words filled Merlin with desperation and wanting.

Arthur simply shrugged. “I thought that I just liked you as a friend, up until we kissed. And I mean proper kissed, not whatever the hell you tried to do,” he added with a cocky chuckle.

Not sure if he wanted to be annoyed at that statement or be excited about the meaning of it, Merlin elected to punch Arthur’s arm. “God, you are a prat.” But Merlin didn’t move, just leaned in ever so slightly. He hoped looking at Arthur long enough would bring those lips back to him.

“This isn’t right, is it?” Arthur said after a moment as he took a step away. "I mean. I like you, but... Gwen and..." He slowly moved back to the futon, avoiding Merlin’s stare.

Finally he followed wearily. “It’s not ideal, no, but -”

“I can’t do this, Merlin.”

Though it was the last thing Merlin wanted to do, he understood. He nodded slowly and moved to stand again. He was stopped by a hand on his wrist that itched and burned all at once. Arthur looked up at him with eager, yet sad, eyes. He yanked Merlin towards him forcing Merlin to fall into Arthur’s lap. For a second Arthur paused, looking deeply into him, and Merlin felt himself fall in love.

In love?

Oh.

Oh no.

Merlin wanted to pull away before he could be rewarded with those lips again, but this time Arthur didn’t let him go. He held onto Merlin for dear life. Just like the first kiss, this one was utter perfection, but there was more passion. Slowly, Merlin allowed Arthur in, and let himself get lost, even if it was for just a moment.

Arthur's strong hands grasped Merlin’s back and squeezed his torso. A soft moan escaped the other man as Merlin’s fingers laced through Arthur’s silky, soft blond locks. Merlin started to move carefully over Arthur, lying him on his back. Soon he was lost, and by the sounds Arthur was making, he was too.

Arthur's hands continued to explore Merlin’s body in a way that made Merlin shudder with desire. It wasn’t that Merlin was inexperienced - he certainly had too much experience - but being with Arthur was something entirely different and it made it feel like the first time. This brought about feelings Merlin couldn’t explain, and didn't want to explore while Arthur’s lips were pressed hard against his, and his hands were traveling dangerously southward. Becoming more eager, Arthur started to undo the button on Merlin’s jeans.

It had been a long time since Merlin did this with someone he cared deeply about. It had been over year ago with Will. In the time since, Merlin had only let himself be with people he would not get attached to. He had never thought he could care about someone the same way again. He never expected this overwhelming need to be close to another person, particularly not with his best friend’s ex.

Merlin thought maybe he should stop, but Arthur had removed Merlin’s pants and was working on his own. Attempting to focus on the moment, Merlin wondered if maybe Arthur was only so eager because he had just been dumped. Merlin couldn’t be just a rebound, not with Arthur. This was supposed to be different than all the rest. Because it was different, wasn't it? Here he was, chasing after someone who had, up until recently, been dating someone very close to him. Then there was Will, Merlin knew he had not dealt with his emotions properly - using other people like things to get over his own loss. The possibility that he was doing that again with Arthur filled him with a whole new guilt. Arthur didn’t deserve that; he deserved better than a heartbroken friend of an ex that just needed to move on already.

Merlin really hated what he was about to do, but he knew that Arthur's initial apprehension was correct. This wasn’t right. Reluctantly, Merlin pulled away. “Wait,” Merlin panted into Arthur’s lips.

Immediately, Arthur stopped. “Sorry, was that too fast?” Arthur sat up and looked sincere. He pulled himself to a safe distance away, looking regretful. “I didn’t go too far, did I? God, I'm sorry, Merlin.”

“No,” Merlin corrected quickly with a hand on Arthur’s knee. In that moment, Merlin hated himself even more and the heat from the touch felt cold under his hand.

Arthur was so concerned about Merlin, so eager to fix whatever was concerning him… that was something Will had never done. There were too many nights that Merlin felt obligated to be with Will, or coerced into trying things he was not comfortable with. Suddenly, Merlin realized what had been so different about this. He didn’t feel manipulated into anything; he had wanted to be with Arthur and would have been happy to continue.

And that made what he was planning on saying even harder. Because Arthur really was something special. He was the blinding opposite of Will. He was considerate and compassionate and cared about Merlin even though he had no reason to. “You were right,” Merlin admitted remorsefully. “We shouldn’t…”

Arthur nodded and allowed Merlin to stand. “Yeah. That’s probably for the best.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Arthur. Please know that.” Merlin gathered up his clothes from the floor and threw them on awkwardly. "Sorry," he mumbled under his breath. Arthur put on his own clothes from the futon and watched sadly as Merlin gathered up the rest of his belongings sloppily with shaking hands. Before either could realize their mistake, Merlin left Arthur’s house with a stabbing pain in his gut.


	4. In Which Merlin is a Bumbling Idiot

After a few days of solitude, Merlin decided to contact Gwen first. He told her about what had happened, yet she didn’t seem mad - she didn’t even seem surprised. She just giggled and told Merlin he was being too cautious, but she understood the decision he had made. She reminded him that he hadn’t put so much thought into anyone like this since Will, and even with Will he had never been so concerned. Merlin agreed, but couldn't say he knew what to do about that.

She then informed Merlin that she had started dating Lancelot, that they were finally official and she had never been so happy in all her life. It was cliché, but she told Merlin that she truly believed she had found “the one”. Merlin wished he didn’t understand exactly how she felt.

With Gwen’s blessing, Merlin moved on to conquer his own doubts revolving around Will. But that brought him further into a slump. He couldn’t think about Will anymore. That was the past. He had broken Merlin’s heart already; he didn’t deserve to keep Merlin from moving on. As much as Merlin wanted to deny it, he knew that he was not quite over the pain Will had caused him. Merlin was long over Will himself - realizing too late how abusive that relationship really was - but Merlin still had to deal with the scar on his heart that was left by his ex-fiancé.

Merlin hadn’t learned to trust again. Or so he thought. Not until Arthur. But did he really trust Arthur? As a dance partner, Merlin trusted Arthur with his entire being. They moved together as one; even if Merlin were to stumble over his feet, Arthur's strong arms were always there to correct him and right him again. He guided Merlin with a strong confidence, but kept them going with tentative awareness, as if always asking permission. There was reliance and sureness shared when they were on the dance floor that gave Merlin a confidence he never knew he had. Being with Arthur in a relationship would be much the same as being with Arthur while dancing. Because to Merlin, it was like finding his partner that he had been searching for all along. Dance or life, Merlin would always choose Arthur.

He just needed to allow himself to get there.

Merlin was outside the studio on a cold Wednesday night. He knew that he could easily walk in and find Arthur, but something about the building just seemed daunting now. It was getting late and the rehearsal would be wrapping up soon. If Merlin wanted to catch him, he had to make a move now. Arthur never exited through the front door; he and Morgana always parked in the back lot. Merlin stood to go wait by the back exit when he stopped himself short.

Suddenly, Merlin thought this was a terrible idea. Coming here. Arthur. All of it. He had convinced himself that this was what he wanted, to be with Arthur, but what if he was wrong? What if he was too broken to love again? Arthur should have someone better. Merlin was a lousy dance partner, an awkward friend, and not an attractive lover. Arthur was everything Merlin was not and he definitely deserved better.

“Merlin?” Turning to find Arthur, bundled up in his winter coat, Merlin blushed. The one time Arthur decided to exit through the main entrance was the time Merlin was creepily waiting for him outside. “What are you doing here?”

“Erm… I don’t know. I think this was a mistake.” Merlin zipped up his jacket all the way and folded his scarf over his mouth. “I should go." His voice was muffled by the material. "I shouldn't have come." But he didn't move. Arthur was looking at him the way he always did when he was concerned. His attention was fully on Merlin, desperate as always to understand or help in any way he could. "I'm sorry," Merlin muttered, before he started walking away.

“So you don’t want to be my partner anymore?” Arthur called after him with a hopeful sorrow.

Merlin could have pretended he couldn’t hear him, but he stopped, though he was not yet ready to face him. “You still want me to dance with you?”

“Yes,” Arthur answered reflexively. “Please, Merlin.” He was close behind Merlin now, but still Merlin refused to turn around.

“I don’t think I should.” Taking a few steps closer, Arthur rounded on him.

"Why?" he demanded.

Merlin shook his head. "I don’t want to dance anymore," he lied.

Arthur looked at Merlin with a face mixed with confusion and fondness. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you.”

“You’ll find another dance partner,” Merlin breathed, making a puff of steam with his words, though he knew what Arthur really meant.

Arthur shook his head as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want another dance partner.”

“Even though I stumble over my own feet?” Snow started to fall around them but Arthur moved in closer, unfazed by his surroundings.

“I like you, Merlin.”

Merlin took a deep breath and closed his eyes, urging his pulse to slow. “I can’t be a rebound, Arthur. I need to know you are over her.”

When he opened his eyes he found Arthur a few steps back, looking as if he had just been betrayed. “Merlin…”

“I don’t want to get hurt again.” His voice cracked at the end of his sentence.

A gust of wind tugged at Merlin’s scarf that had fallen off his face. Arthur looked down at his gloved hands, fidgeting slightly. “I don’t want to hurt you, Merlin.”

Pushing his hands deeply into his pockets, Merlin exhaled slowly. “I don’t think I can be your dance partner.”

Arthur raised his head. “She wasn’t right for me, Merlin.” He moved in closer. “She didn’t laugh at my jokes. She didn’t give me a warm feeling every time I met her eyes. She didn’t trust me. She didn’t make me feel like I was the only person in the world. And she just wasn’t right for me. She wasn’t you, Merlin.”

Merlin’s bottom lip started to quiver; he blamed the cold. “Please, Arthur. Stop.”

“I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn't stop thinking about you. I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel the way you make me feel. I got it all wrong before.”

"I can’t,” Merlin mumbled like a child in trouble. "I shouldn't have come."

"Then why did you?" Arthur asked with a twinge of anger. "Why did you come here on the Wednesday after making out with me, right after I broke up with your best friend? I know you had your reservations about me in the beginning, but I thought... I don’t know." His face suddenly changed, and he flailed his arms in the air in defeat. "You kissed me, Merlin!"

Merlin swallowed hard with guilty embarrassment. "Arthur, it's not you."

"I don't have any feelings for Gwen anymore," he said, and Merlin believed him, but that wasn't it.

"I know. But I'm not right for you, Arthur. Trust me. I'm damaged goods. My heart's already been broken in two, and you deserve a whole heart."

"I..." Arthur didn’t need to finish his sentence. Nothing he could say could change Merlin, or the past. It was done.

Time to move on.

Merlin walked away down the street, and though he would never admit it to anyone, he cried harder that night than he had in a very long time.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Keeping to himself for nearly another week, Merlin started to actually forget about Arthur. He had distracted himself with work and successfully kept away from his friends. But of course, it was inevitable that they would pull him out of his rut eventually. Surprisingly, it was Gwaine who reached out first. Merlin had nearly forgotten about his friend's birthday and slapped himself for it.

Gwaine was definitely one who threw himself a party, and he was very set on making it a big one. Being so social and chummy with anyone he met, Gwaine would no doubt invite everyone he knew. That included Arthur. Gwaine never bought into "drama" and told Merlin what he had apparently told both Gwen and Arthur: he would not have anyone frowning on his birthday so they had to all suck it up for one night.

Gwen, who came over the night before the party, told Merlin that she didn't have any beef with Arthur. In fact, they had met up for coffee and realized they were both happier since being apart. Well, she admitted Arthur didn’t look happier, but she had the courtesy to not bring up what had happened with Merlin. Instead, she said he must have been sad because he still couldn't find a dance partner - basically calling Merlin out, but Merlin wasn’t going to acknowledge that.

When the day of the party came around, Leon had confirmed that Arthur was certain to be there. On one hand, Merlin could take this opportunity to mend the friendship he had once had with him and enjoy the party. On the other hand, he could say he was sick and never, never, never talk to Arthur again. On the hypothetical third hand, Merlin could go, get drunk, and find a hot floozy to have sex with to get his mind off of everything.

That was a good plan. Merlin liked that one.

At the party, Merlin found Lance first. "Long time no see, Merlin. Where have you been hiding?"

Merlin blushed, wondering how much Gwen had told him. "Working hard, as usual."

The taller man clapped a hand to Merlin’s shoulder and smiled gracefully. He motioned for Merlin to follow him, which he gladly did, since he hadn't found anyone else yet.

Gwaine was rich, and he didn't mind showing it. He loved big parties and lots of people. The room was giant, but the guest list was even bigger, and Merlin couldn’t help but feel claustrophobic walking through the crowd. Eventually, Lance had led him to the bar where Percival, Gwaine, and Gwen sat.

"Merlin!" Gwen called, rushing to give him a hug.

A grunt was forced from Merlin as his best friend plowed into him. She was already drunk, he could tell by the way she hung off of him. "Hey, how are you?"

She smiled at him lazily. "Don't be so formal! It's a party!" She let out a "whooo" sound and pulled Lance to the dance floor.

Oh god, there was a dance floor. Of course there was. And when Merlin’s gaze followed the new couple, he spotted a familiar blond dancing with... with a very handsome man. Right behind him was Morgana. She spotted Merlin first.

"Merlin!" she yelled, over the music, though he couldn’t actually hear her. She was already pushing her way over to him before he could respond. "Oh my god, dear! How are you!? Why haven't you been coming to dance?"

For a second, Merlin thought she must have known and was trying to make him feel guilty. But then, no... that was definitely what she was doing. She was doing such a good job of acting too, Merlin almost went along with it. "I've been busy," he said, forcing a smile.

"Oh, you should give it another chance. We've all missed you." Then she got serious and stopped pretending to be subtle. "A lot..."

"I know." Merlin straightened his too tight dress shirt. His shoes suddenly felt too small, and the room felt like a sauna. He needed to leave, but then Arthur looked over. "Tell him I'm sorry," Merlin muttered as he kept his eyes on Arthur.

"Will do." They held each other's gaze till Morgana reached Arthur again and whispered something in his ear. They both looked at Merlin before Arthur started walking towards him.

Shit. Merlin wanted to run away. Actually run, like Scooby-Doo kind of run into a hallway or some other brilliant hiding spot. But he didn't. He didn’t even move. It wasn’t till Arthur was within touching distance that Merlin realized he didn’t even breathe.

"Hello." He was loud over the music, but even Merlin could hear the heartache in his voice. "Wanna dance with me?"

Merlin took in a sharp breath. "Arthur."

"Please?"

This wasn’t fair. Merlin felt guilty and scared and still incredibly uncertain, but those damn blue eyes were so sad and lovely and perfect. It wasn’t fair. "Come outside with me."

He needed Arthur to know why he was making a mistake with Merlin. He needed Arthur to understand why Merlin had to say no. And maybe a small part of him still wished he could make it right and maybe actually be happy. But first he had to be honest.

The night was clear with a crisp coolness to it. The stars were bright in the winter sky. On the terrace they had walked onto, one could see the entire city. It was a bit too romantic, but Merlin tried to ignore that. After a short beat, Merlin turned on Arthur and slapped his hands together. "I am going to be honest with you."

"I hope so," Arthur said slowly, full of confusion.

"I once had a fiancé who broke my heart. A week before the wedding, he told me he had been sleeping with another man. He never told me the man's name, but sometimes, at night, when I think about that other man, I imagine Channing Tatum and I just get mad and watch 21 Jump Street. I don’t know why it's Channing Tatum, or why 21 Jump Street, but that's what I do sometimes just to cry myself to sleep. I sleep around so that I don't get attached and I hurt people because I don't trust them. I'm fucked up, and I don’t deserve you." Merlin was panting by the end of it, and a tear had managed to escape his eye.

He stood firm and looked at Arthur, unmoving, willing himself to let that tear drop to the ground as a sign of perseverance. Arthur just looked at him, first with confusion, then with sympathy, but landed on sorrow. "Were..." His voice was small and didn't seem to be his at all. "Were you using me?" he asked finally, not meeting Merlin’s eyes.

"God no!" Merlin exclaimed, much louder than he had intended. "God, Arthur, I was terrified because I actually had feelings for you. I hadn't cared about anyone like that since... well, since Will. You are just so different... and I was scared."

Arthur looked up with curiosity. "Different how?"

Merlin scoffed. "Well for one thing you can dance. You are rich and handsome. You dated a girl, so I wasn't even sure if you were gay. You are sarcastic and a bit of a prat sometimes." Arthur scowled and Merlin softened. "You are so unbelievably selfless and kind." Merlin took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "And you respect me."

Arthur smiled faintly, but didn't seem convinced. "Hm. Well, I'm sorry... I guess."

"I just think you should find someone better than me."

"I don't want to," Arthur said simply, shrugging his shoulders.

There was a silence that was filled with the muffled sounds of the party that was nearly forgotten by both of them. "Just let me go, Arthur. We'll both be better off."

"Do you believe that?" Arthur was stern, more stern than Merlin had ever seen him.

"Erm..." he trailed off, getting lost in those blue eyes.

Arthur took a step in. "Look me in the eye and tell me right now that you think you'll be better off without me, and I'll go."

"It's not that simple, Arthur!" Merlin cried in exasperation.

"Yes it is!" Arthur retorted, matching Merlin’s energy. "Either you believe that or not. Now, tell me: do you think you will be better off without me?"

Merlin clenched his jaw. He knew that answer. He knew that, no, he wouldn't be better off, but he had to let Arthur go, because Arthur didn’t know. It wasn't fair. But god, didn't Merlin deserve some happiness too? He had been so miserable for so long, and Arthur was right there and so perfect and warm and... "No," he whispered, hardly audible.

"Merlin, I don’t care about your baggage, I care about you."

"Fuck!" Merlin felt his face warm up and the tears fell freely now, out of his control. "I liked you so much, Arthur. Hell, I still like you, I may even be in fucking love with you. And all I want to do is be around you and kiss you, and be close to you. God, the way you dance drives me crazy. You are everything I've ever wanted and since that night at the club I've never stopped thinking about you. It's not fair! Because all I want is you, but I've pushed you so far away and I don't deserve to have you back."

Merlin’s face was wet-feeling against the cold night. Soon, Arthur’s hand was on his arm, then stroking his face. "I didn't ever go anywhere, Merlin. I'm right here."

"But I ruined it." Merlin gestured around him as if all his problems were laid out before them like he felt they were. "I've got shit, and I don’t think it's right to ask you to deal with that."

"But I want to. I want you, Merlin. Broken heart and all. Without you, my heart isn't whole either, so maybe together we can make a single functioning heart." He let out a wry laugh, probably at how cheesy that was, but Merlin still thought it was wonderful.

Wiping his face with his sleeve, Merlin took a tentative step closer to Arthur. He took Merlin’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Will you be my dance partner?"

A bitter laugh came from Merlin with a smile following immediately after. "Is that how you are asking me out? Really, Arthur?"

“Merlin, shut up and dance with me.” His strong arms bundled Merlin up into a close hug, but then slid into a slow dancing position. So innocent and very intimate.

Merlin rested his head on Arthur’s shoulder, putting his arms around his partner's neck. Closing his eyes, he let everything but Arthur fade away. Merlin knew that this was all he wanted. Arthur was all he ever wanted. Underneath all his apprehension, doubts, and fear, this was a bond that Merlin would not allow to be broken easily. It may be a risk jumping in, but not taking the leap would be the bigger mistake. “Okay, Arthur. I'll be your dance partner.”

Arthur pulled away and smiled at Merlin with a twinkle in his eyes. “Just my dance partner?”

With a puff of air, Merlin chuckled and put on a snarky grin. “We'll see what we can work up to.”

"Hmm," Arthur hummed as he brushed a hand through Merlin's hair, landing on his ear to rub it slowly.

Merlin leaned into the touch. "How can you be so certain this will work?"

He stopped rubbing Merlin’s ear and moved to cup the back of Merlin’s head. "When you find a partner who moves with you, without hindering your dance, you have to have the courage to dance the way you were intended to dance."

It was the same with Arthur. The past - Will and all the failed attempts since - didn’t matter anymore. It was the future that promised something new. Yes, Merlin was still scared, but it was much less daunting moving into it with Arthur. "I know exactly what you mean." Because Arthur was his perfect dance partner, he would show him the moves and teach Merlin to trust again - to trust Arthur, and to trust himself.

Arthur leaned forward and waited, looking deep into Merlin. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes, please."

He then awarded Merlin with a warm, soft kiss that seemed to suck up any remaining doubts or concerns. They had kept Merlin from this, but all at once they seemed very foolish and small. Nothing in Merlin’s past could compare to the happiness he felt in that moment, and the baggage Merlin had just thrown out seemed to disintegrate around them.

Pulling away, Arthur wrapped Merlin up in his arms. "I love you too, by the way." That's when Merlin believed it, believed that this was real. It would be worth all the pain from his past if Arthur said that to him for the rest of his life. For the first time, Merlin felt wanted and warm, but most of all, he felt right. All was right within the arms of Arthur. He was worth every second.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the songs Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon and Blame it on the Rain by He is We.


End file.
